Relationship myths including the following: 1. It take two to tango; both partners share responsibility when there’s a broken relationship. Not true. Often it’s the case that one of partners has more serious issues than the other partner, or brings more baggage to the relationship. For example, they may not be able to securely attach, […]Straightening out Some Relationship Myths — Don’t Lose Hope
“Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, ‘What else could this mean?‘” – Shannon L. Alder Just something to think about ….Quote of the Day — Don’t Lose Hope
If you really want to love the people in your life ….
1. Tell them how great they are and how much you appreciate them.
2. Be genuine and real in your relationships. Don’t pretend and wear a mask but share your true, authentic self.
3. Note, however, that being genuine doesn’t mean always dumping your garbage on those around you. Be respectful of their needs and feelings too – and recognise that we influence and affect others’ moods. That is, we can choose to either brighten or pollute the atmosphere.
4. Be a great listener. We feel loved and valued when others really listen to us (and demonstrate they’re listening through their nonverbal cues).
5. Don’t try to fix, change and make them into different people. Instead, allow them the freedom to be themselves, as well.
6. Recognise that we don’t have to agree with, or respect, others’ choices in order to have a good relationship with them. A lot of the time, we can simply agree to disagree.
7. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the role of victim or martyr … or a co-dependent lover, family member or spouse.
People who are highly sensitive, often struggle with the following:
1. They are easily overwhelmed, and often feel stressed through being overstimulated: That is, they often feel exhausted, stressed, worn out and worn down by processing so much detail – or through vicariously experiencing too much pain.
2. They are more personally affected by others’ emotions: Thus, they find it hard to detach themselves, or throw off the feelings and sufferings of others. That is, they tend to absorb anger, pain and distress when they are around others them are experiencing these.
3. They need more time and space for themselves: In order to restore their boundaries, to refresh their minds and renew their energy, they need to retreat, and to spend more time alone. Unfortunately, others may think they are unsociable as they don’t understand their need to withdraw.
4. They may feel driven by unhealthy perfectionism: They often have unrealistic expectations, and are harsh, unforgiving and demanding of themselves. This is because they overanalyse, and worry about what other people think, want and feel. (Related to this, many also suffer from low self-esteem.)
5. They may feel out of sync with the people around them: The western world values extroverted people who are confident, lively and highly sociable. This can add extra pressure to more sensitive people who are cautious, and careful of the judgments of others. They can also feel they’re viewed as being too sensitive, or as too emotional, or not tough enough.
For more information see: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/03/28/5-gifts-of-being-highly-sensitive/
“It’s important that we share our experiences with other people. Your story will heal you, and your story will heal somebody else. When you tell your story you free yourself, and you give other people permission to acknowledge their story as well.” – Iyanla Vanzant We need to be able to talk about what happened. […]What? You too? — Don’t Lose Hope
1. Know yourself – what you want, and do not want.
2. Have good boundaries – know what it is healthy, and what crosses that line.
3. Know your value, and require respect.
4. Get out there and meet a wide range of people.
5. Give people a reasonable chance.
6. Don’t put people into a box; be open to being surprised.
7. Be persistent in your search for true love.
“Your absence has gone through me Like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its colour.” – W. S. Merwin This beautiful, brief poem captures perfectly how a major loss affects the whole of life. Everything we do, and every place we go, triggers thoughts and feelings of ‘how things used to […]The Pain of Separation and Loss — Don’t Lose Hope
“Being alone may scare you. But being in a bad relationship will damage you.”
Check through the list below to see if you have traits of codependency. They include:
1. Feeling responsible for other people’s thoughts, feelings, behaviour or physical, mental and emotional well being.
2. Repeatedly putting the needs, wishes and wellbeing of others before your own needs, wishes, and wellbeing. Caring for them is more important, and takes precedence over, caring for yourself.
3. Feeling compelled to be there for others. Feeling most comfortable when you are putting yourself out for others … or are doing everything you can to support them … or are desperately helping them to find solutions. At the same time, you feel guilty about asking for help from other people.
4. Staying in relationships that have little benefit to you, and may even prove to be harmful or abusive. Excusing and tolerating poor treatment for the sake of maintaining peace and harmony.
5. Repeating the pattern of going from one unhealthy or abusive relationship to another. Having low self worth and low self esteem.
To break the self-destructive patterns above:
1. Recognize that you have a tendency to be drawn into codependent relationships – and make the decision to change this pattern. This will require acknowledging that these types of relationships are actually unhealthy (which may not be obvious to a codependent person).
2. Understand that breaking these ingrained patterns is very difficult to do alone. Consider working with a counsellor to identify the roots of the problems, to separate out what are healthy patterns of relating from what are unhealthy patterns of relating. Learn how to establish healthy appropriate boundaries. Work on saying “no”, and putting yourself first.
3. Step back and allow others to accept full responsibility for their words, responses, reactions and behaviours. Recognise the facts that it’s not your job to be responsible for anyone other than yourself. Don’t assume the blame when other peoples’ lives go wrong.
4. Keep your focus on yourself and your own needs and problems. Remember that you also have your own life to live
5. Understand that the right thing to do is to take care of your own life and needs first – before looking out for the needs of other people. That’s not being selfish: that is being a healthy, responsible adult.
6. Don’t feel guilty about enjoying yourself – even if others are dealing with huge problems. You have a right to be happy, and to make something of life.
“When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit in the dark with you.” We all need people who will do this for us; but it’s not an easy thing to do at all. Why? Because others’ pain reminds us of our own. So not everyone you know can be there for you. […]Quote of the Day — Don’t Lose Hope
The crucial ingredients for a great relationship include:
1. Shared sense of humour
2. Little gestures of thoughtfulness
3. Personal space (there needs to be separateness in your togetherness)
4. Having the ability to spend hours together (simply doing routine or humdrum things)
5. Having “fairness and respect” rules in place for when you argue or fight
6. Having an attraction that goes beyond the physical; liking each other, and your personality
7. Believing that your partner has what it takes to live the life they want to live – believing in them always, especially when they’re down
8. Having a relationship that’s built on trust, openness, honesty and faithfulness.