Posted in Life in the Canadian Rockies

10 Relationship Killers

A person’s actions will tell you everything you need to know. Pay attention.

10 relationship killers include:

1. Breaking trust

2. Lack of respect

3. Jealousy

4. Angry outburst/ high volatility

5. Making assumptions

6. Unreasonable expectations

7. Bitterness

8. Unforgiveness

9. Being cold and uncaring

10. Failing to prioritize your partner.

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How to Find the Right Relationship

1. Know yourself – what you want, and do not want.

2. Have good boundaries – know what it is healthy, and what crosses that line.

3. Know your value, and require respect.

4. Get out there and meet a wide range of people.

5. Give people a reasonable chance.

6. Don’t put people into a box; be open to being surprised.

7. Be persistent in your search for true love.

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Crucial Ingredients for a Great Relationship

The crucial ingredients for a great relationship include:

1. Shared sense of humour

2. Little gestures of thoughtfulness

3. Personal space (there needs to be separateness in your togetherness)

4. Having the ability to spend hours together (simply doing routine or humdrum things)

5. Having “fairness and respect” rules in place for when you argue or fight

6. Having an attraction that goes beyond the physical; liking each other, and your personality

7. Believing that your partner has what it takes to live the life they want to live – believing in them always, especially when they’re down

8. Having a relationship that’s built on trust, openness, honesty and faithfulness.

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Dealing with a Break Up

Some tips for dealing with a breakup include:

1. Cry as much as you want to and need to. Don’t try to repress or to bury the feelings.

2. Listen to breakup music as research shows it is therapeutic and helps you to recover. Also, it lowers your heart rate, reduces pain and helps to relieve any feelings of stress.

3. Allow yourself to feel completely numb for a while. It’s going to happen – so go with the flow. Also, don’t be afraid to be real with your friends and tell them “I feel empty and dead inside”. Know in time that will change; it’s a temporary thing.

4. Talk about it with your friends – they will help to bolster you. You need all the people and support you can muster. Also, it’s likely that the break up will dominate your thinking so keep on talking till you start to feel you’re freer.

5. Set a limit for your grief. That doesn’t mean you have to feel better by then – but eventually you’ll want to think about your future life again. You have your whole life to live so don’t get stuck in the pain.

6. Review the relationship and why it ended. Were the reasons cited by your partner really fair? Was he or she just blaming you, or running away? Were you truly happy? Was it really a good match?

7. If you think it’s worth it, then try and reconcile. But only do that once as it usually doesn’t work … and you’re simply dragging out the disappointment and the pain.

8. Stop sitting and waiting for the phone to ring. Try and fill your life with other people and new things.

9. Don’t stalk your ex on tumblr or facebook. Block them if you need to … but get them out your mind.

10. Reminisce about the bad times – and be glad that they are gone. It’s time to build a future that’s much better than that.

11. Go outside and get some exercise. Research clearly indicates that exercise can change how you feel, and help you put life in perspective. It’s worth the extra effort as you’ll reap the benefits.

12. Be nice to yourself – you need to give yourself a break. Just because some other person has dropped you from their life, it doesn’t mean you’re worthless or you’ll never find true love. Appreciate your strengths, and really love who you are, and think about the fun times you have had with others friends. You deserve to be happy and loved for who you are.

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Understanding your Love Language

Everyone has a love language, a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. This will vary from person to person, but will usually be just one (or two) of the following:

1. Words of Affirmation – If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important; hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

2. Quality Time – Nothing says, “I love you” more than giving someone your full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical; but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby, makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

3. Receiving Gifts – Don’t mistake this love language for materialism. The receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.

4. Acts of Service – Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

5. Physical Touch – A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Source: (abridged)

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Signs that it’s Time to Walk Away from a Relationship

Here are some signs that it may be time to walk away from a relationship:

1. Dishonesty: He or she repeatedly lies to you about where they were, what they were doing, who they were with etc.

2. Lack of support for you: He or she is always looking for support from you but gives very little back in return. You are the one who makes the most if the effort, and does the most of the work in the relationship.

3. Cheating: Any affair is a cause to question your relationship. Repeated affairs should be a deal breaker.

4. Condescension: If your partner frequently acts superior, condescendingly or rudely toward you … or criticises and puts you down in front of others … or deliberately tries to make you feel worthless and inadequate … then this is a toxic relationship. It’s time to say goodbye and walk away.

5. Volatile mood swings: Don’t hang around with someone who can suddenly turn nasty, or who likes to rant, rave and dump their feelings on you. While everyone is subject to some mood swings at times, don’t spend time with people whose emotions dominate.

6. Violence: Any violent relationship is a destructive and dangerous relationship. Love and violence should never co-exist.

7. The feelings have changed: Sometimes we just notice that we’ve changed and grown apart – and we don’t feel as if we love that person anymore. If romance has past its due-date, and we don’t have much in common, then it’s time to do the right things by you both, and walk away.

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Relationship Truths We Often Forget

It’s easy to make your relationships more complicated than they are. Here are ten simple reminders to help you keep them on course.

1. All successful relationships require some work. – They don’t just happen, or maintain themselves. They exist and thrive when the parties involved take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their minds and hearts. Open communication and honesty is the key.

2. Most of the time you get what you put in. – If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you’d like to feel understood, try being more understanding. It’s a simple practice that works.

3. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot in someone’s life. – Never force someone to make a space in their life for you. If they know your worth, they will create time and space for you.

4. There is a purpose for everyone you meet. – Some will test you; some will teach you; some will threaten you; some will use you. Others will heal you, and help you see your strengths, and help you to discover your authentic self.

5. We all change, and that’s okay. – Our needs change with time. When someone says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes it just means you stopped living your life their way. Don’t apologize for it. Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.

6. Forgiving others helps YOU. – Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.

7. You can’t change people; they can only change themselves. – Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example. If there’s a specific behavior someone you love has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t. If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table so this person knows what you need them to do.

8. Heated arguments are a waste of time. – The less time you spend arguing with the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you. And if you happen to find yourself arguing with someone you love, don’t let your anger get the best of you. Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation.

9. You are better off without some people. – When you have to start compromising yourself and your morals for the people around you, it’s probably time to change the people around you. If someone continuously mistreats you or pushes you in the wrong direction, have enough respect for yourself to walk away from them. It may hurt for a little while, but it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok, and far better off in the long run.

10. Small gestures of kindness go a long way. – Honor your important relationships in some way every chance you get.


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How to Cope with Feeling Jealous

1. Understand what jealousy is. It’s a mixture of fear and anger – usually the fear of losing someone who’s important to you, and anger at the person who is taking something from you.

2. Try to figure out why you’re feeling jealous. Is it related to something in the past that is hampering your ability to trust? Are you feeling anxious and insecure? Do you suffer from low self-esteem, or the fear of abandonment?

3. Be honest with yourself about how your jealousy affects other people. Do friends or partners always have to justify their actions and thoughts, or always report on where they were, or who they were with? That kind of pressure can be destructive, and put a strain on relationships.

4. Find the courage to tackle your feelings. Decide to question your jealousy every time it surfaces. That will enable you to take positive steps to manage your feelings in a healthier and more constructive way. Some possible questionsto ask yourself include: “Why am I jealous about this?”; “What exactly is making me feel jealous?”; “What or who am I afraid of losing?”; “Why do I feel so threatened?”

5. Work on changing any false beliefs that might be fueling your jealousy. Start this process by identifying the underlying belief, for example “If X leaves me, then I won’t have any friends”; “If Y doesn’t love me then no-one will ever want or love me”. Understand, that beliefs are often false – and if you change your belief, you can change the way you feel.

6. Learn from your jealousy. Jealousy can help understand ourselves better. It can teach us important lessons. For example, it’s natural to feel frightened when a relationship is new, and you don’t yet feel secure. This is normal. Also, not everyone’s trustworthy, or will be committed. Better to know now, than to find out later on.

7. Work on accepting and trusting yourself. That makes it easier to trust others, too, and lessens our tendency to feel threatened or jealous.

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Quote of the Day

Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.

Isn’t this really what we all want in life?

We know our partner can’t solve our problems. What we want is someone who will be there in tough times. Someone who will lend us their support and strength.

Feeling there is someone who cares and understands, can make the unbearable a bit more bearable.