“Strong women aren’t born. They’re forged in the fires they’ve had to walk through. And they’ve shown the world they are warriors.” This is you. A strong courageous woman who has been forced to deal with stuff she never wanted to deal with, and never should have had to deal with. And you’ve discovered in […]
1. Stop fantasizing: Those with too rosy a picture of the future tend to put less effort into reaching their goals. Instead, it’s better to be open to some things going wrong. It will help you see the obstacles – and think through beating them.
2. Visualise process NOT outcome: If you can think through all the steps you will forge a better plan … and it will also help to reduce anxiety.
3. Beware of the “what-the-hell effect”: Too many just give up when they stumble or fall down. It’s better to get up – and to see it as a journey.
4. Attack procrastination: It’s easy to procrastinate when things start getting tough. Make a start, keep your head down, and set yourself deadlines. Once you start you’ll feel much better, and the road won’t seem so hard.
5. Switch out of robot mode: A lot of behaviour is robotic and habitual. We copy other people, or we do the same old things. Take stock, and change those patterns, if they don’t lead to your goals.
6. Know when enough is enough: Sometimes we need to know when there’s no point in going on. We’re flogging a dead horse; things are never going to change. Perhaps it’s time to stop, and to work on something else.
Experiences can leave us with some painful memories. They tie us to the past and prevent us moving on. And the only way to freedom is to work on letting go – so these memories don’t haunt us or keep us trapped in pain. Below are some guidelines to help you work on this.
1. Before you can let go, you must face whatever happened and accept that it is part of your past experiences. Suppression doesn’t work as a long-term solution. It can only be a band aid that brings temporary relief. Talk to someone you trust, or write about it in your journal. You need to share what happened, in order to move on.
2. Identify the lessons you have learned from what has happened. There’s always a lesson – so look for what you’ve learned. It doesn’t make it better – but it does lessen its power.
3. Write the lesson down on a piece of paper and repeat it to yourself when you’re hit by memories. For example, if you’ve been scarred by abuse, then you might write something like: “My experience of abuse does not determine who I am. I’m a stronger person now, and that is not my destiny. I’m choosing my own future, and the person I will be.”
4. Repeat this mantra often so it takes root in your mind. Allow it to be stronger than the bad experience. Say it often, till you mean it, then you’ll start to feel you’re freer. Persevere and keep on fighting when those memories return.
5. Seek to be a person who’s a peace with themselves. When peace is your focus, old thoughts and memories have much less power over how you think and feel. However, seeking after peace must be a conscious, constant choice.
6. When the past tries to intrude, focus firmly on the present. Ground yourself in what’s happening around you in the room, and try to breathe deeply – and deliberately relax. You are here in this moment; the past is over now.
7. Forgive – for your own sake. Try to heal from what happened – then let resentments go. You don’t want them in your life for they’ll just tie you to the past. It’s not an easy process; it takes work and discipline. But it is worth the daily struggle – as one day you will be free.
There are a lot of reasons why we end up feeling stuck. And one possible reason is experiencing a trauma. Clearly, this is something that we need to address or we’ll live with its effects for the rest of our lives. But assuming that you’re doing this, and yet you still feel stuck, are there […]
“More long walks. More good books. More music. More sunsets. More holding hands. More cuddles. More road trips. More honouring your heart. More being nice to yourself. More laughter. More fun in the moment. More beach. More forest. More memories. More of what brings peace to your life. More of what brings inspiration. More of […]
Impostor syndrome is a psychological condition where people are unable to believe in their successes. Thus, despite the evidence that points to the fact that they are skilled, capable and competent they write this off as temporary – or timing and good luck. Thus, they constantly struggle with feeling like a fraud.
So what are some ways that you can counteract this syndrome?
1. Admit this is something that you suffer from. When we know we’re not alone, and our symptoms have a name it can help disperse the feelings of anxiety and shame.
2. Distinguish between facts and feelings. Everyone feels stupid and inept at times. That doesn’t mean we’re stupid. Our feelings aren’t facts.
3. Don’t demand perfection. It is good to set goals and have high standards for yourself. However, it’s unhealthy to obsess over every little thing. You’ll simply waste a lot of time and never feel quite satisfied.
4. Take a look at the rules you have imposed upon yourself. Are you saying to yourself: “I have to always get it right”; or ”I should never ask for help”; or “It is bad to make mistakes”? These are misguided rules that undermine your self-esteem. They set you up for failure as they close the door to help.
5. Change the tapes in your head. Instead of constantly repeating faulty self-destructive thoughts (such as “Wait till they discover just how useless I am”) replace it with a thought that builds esteem and confidence.
6. Don’t look to others to affirm your success. Don’t look to other people to rate and judge your work. Set your own personal goals, and note the progress you have made.
7. Fake it till you make it. Almost every individual who succeeds in life has a time when they’re acting, as they don’t feel confident. It means that they’re still learning, and are not afraid to try.
“’Come sit down beside me,’ I said to myself. And, although it doesn’t make sense, I held my own hand as a small sign of trust and, together, I sat on the fence.” Be there for yourself. Always. Do not abandon yourself.
If you really want to love the people in your life ….
1. Tell them how great they are and how much you appreciate them.
2. Be genuine and real in your relationships. Don’t pretend and wear a mask but share your true, authentic self.
3. Note, however, that being genuine doesn’t mean always dumping your garbage on those around you. Be respectful of their needs and feelings too – and recognise that we influence and affect others’ moods. That is, we can choose to either brighten or pollute the atmosphere.
4. Be a great listener. We feel loved and valued when others really listen to us (and demonstrate they’re listening through their nonverbal cues).
5. Don’t try to fix, change and make them into different people. Instead, allow them the freedom to be themselves, as well.
6. Recognise that we don’t have to agree with, or respect, others’ choices in order to have a good relationship with them. A lot of the time, we can simply agree to disagree.
7. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the role of victim or martyr … or a co-dependent lover, family member or spouse.
“It might be hard to love yourself sometimes, but it is harder to not love yourself.” The author Christine Arylo says self-love is a tree. Self-worth is the trunk, and the life-giving branches are associated with the following qualities. – Self-awareness and self-honesty – Self-acceptance – Self-care – Self-compassion and self-forgiveness – Self-trust – Self-esteem […]